Jun 14

Unconditional Love Part 3 – Selfish or Selfless?

Part 1

Part 2


At of end of Part 2 I alluded to love-of self (Philautia) being the crux of my relationship downfall.  I speculate on this because it seems like practices I have put into place to protect and love myself have been taken to be selfish!  I have to say I was surprised, but when I look at it through the lens of what is NORMAL (not healthy but in the majority) I can see it.  

I have been on my spiritual journey for at least 15 years (conservatively).  Along the way I have come to understand that until we truly know, love, and accept ourselves, our attempts to love others will be impacted.  Very often people are seeking out “love” in an attempt to fill a void in their lives and/or prove to themselves that they are loveable.  This comes from a belief that there is something MISSING and/or that there is something wrong with them.

I cannot say I ever fell into the former, but I was DEFINITELY in the latter camp for a while.  I never experienced this profound sense of loneliness that drove me to want/have/need a boyfriend.  I thankfully did not get raised to believe that I needed to be married to be validated or complete as a person.  My desire for a companion/life partner/boyfriend came more from the space of enhancing my life and/or building a legacy/family.  At the same time, I was convinced I was WEIRD (I still am LOL).  This “oddness,” meant that at times I was lacking in deep friendship and companionship.  I found it hard to connect with people (regardless of gender).  I felt  like because I was seeing and moving through the world in unorthodox ways, I would never find someone to walk with me.  THAT thought made me sad. ? I thought that if I could be in a relationship it would prove that someone could love me, IN SPITE of my weirdness.

Thank goodness I came across FORGIVENESS and EMOTIONAL HEALING work in my spiritual path!  In my late 30’s I truly began to embrace my UNIQUE self-expression, AND come to grips with the fact that I’m not alone in this.  There are other WEIRDOS out here looking to connect too!!  OMG I will actually find a tribe that GETS ME!!!  YAAAASSSS!!!  I learned to and am releasing the past hurt and pains that came from feeling unaccepted, being rejected,  and treated like crap because I didn’t/don’t fit in to what’s “normal.”  I allowed myself to create a lifestyle and belief system that resonates with my spirit and am sharing and living from that unapologetically!  I KNOW that I am loveable not IN SPITE of my WEIRDNESS, but BECAUSE OF IT.  I am ATTRACTING to me people who love, desire, and accept me because of my authentic self-expression!

I am ATTRACTING to me people who love, desire, and accept me because of my authentic self-expression!

Interestingly,  I have found that living as my authentic self, challenges a lot of societal expectations for women LOL.  I am very loving, giving, and nurturing of others, which is pretty typical of what we’re expected to be, however; at the same time I AM PUTTING MY NEEDS FIRST!!!  For women that is a big no-no.  We’re supposed to  sacrifice ourselves and be SELFLESS.

Chile please!  I cannot heal the world if I am sick and broken.  Does that make me selfish?  IDK, but what I am NOT here for is to be anyone’s martyr.  I am more than willing to love and be loving, and YES it is CONDITIONAL.  My EROS (romantic love) and PHILIA (friendship) has to be earned and deserved.  If a person wants ANYTHING other than my AGAPE (universal love) they  have to GIVE me what I want and need, and RESPECT that I take care of myself.  I DO NOT APOLOGIZE for that.  I do not OWE anyone my EROS or PHILIA, not even if you put a ring on it LOL.

To me marriage is about a commitment to consciously CHOOSE to earn and deserve another’s EROS & PHILIA.  We cannot take it for granted/EXPECT to receive it just because we said some vows and wear some rings.   I have (Agape) Love for all of mankind, but if a man wants me to be physically intimate with him, trust him with my body, money, and life, and be down for him he has to ACTIVELY earn it.  Does that make me selfish or unrealistic?  IDK but it is what I am prepared to do and what I require.

Understanding that sex (good sex) has a bonding effect on women, I CHOOSE not to have sexual relations early on in the dating process.  I believe the reason MANY spiritual traditions have a rule against premarital sex is that the ancients understood that it creates a strong tie designed to help couples stay together during rough periods (and yes continue the species).  We will all fall short of being great friends, lovers, supporters, and companions and sex-bond/soul-tie helps us bridge that gap.  I protect my heart by managing who accesses my sacred space (Yoni).  Is it selfish? I guess you could say that.  I figure that if we can create a strong relationship WITHOUT a sex-bond, once we add it in we’ll be almost UNBREAKABLE.

I love myself too much to bond myself to someone who has not demonstrated that he is ready and willing to ongoingly choose to earn and deserve my EROS AND PHILIA.  There is no 90 Day rule. It’s not meant to manipulate him or cause him to suffer at all.  In fact I am fine with a man I am dating getting his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere until/unless we get to that point (see how SELFLESS I am?).   What it IS, is about evaluating who he is as a person and how he treats me, AND OTHERS so I can assess if he is indeed a man with whom I’d like to be in a life partnership.

More to come…

#pathwaytoparenthood #virtuousvixen #dynamicdiva #gracefulgoddess #divamakeover #loveandmarriage #sexandintimacy


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